As I sit here on the island of Koh Phangan, Thailand in my bikini at the water’s edge, staring out into the blazing sunset on the horizon, I can’t help but think… damn I’m lucky.

Favorite activities these days include wandering up and down the beach with my headphones on listening to Panic! At the Disco albums on repeat and watching local fishing boats drift by. I’ve given up on wearing shoes (I’m probably going to take them off anyway!). My tan lines are absolutely phenomenal.

Just a month ago I would have never imagined being in the position I’m in now; this bewildering, beautiful, blissful, miserable, chaotic, confusing position.

Even despite the amazing view, and even despite the incessant bug bites, I’ve never been so happy and so distressed at the same time in my life.

I have so much to be thankful for – here I am on a gorgeous tropical island right now, enjoying the warm, salty sea breeze in my hair and the sun on my skin, accompanied by the soothing sound of waves and rustling palm fronds. I have nothing to complain about.

Yet, how do I cope with this underlying longing sensation of just wanting to be wanted? I can choose to go anywhere in the world – but I’m not sure how to decide. It’s an incredibly awkward feeling being infatuated with a situation I have zero control over. I can’t get myself to cry because it all makes me too happy, but if I let elation consume me it’s quickly overcome by an aching sickness I can’t begin to describe.

Recent weeks included some of the best emotions I’ve ever experienced, as well as some of the most bizarre. Certain moments replay over and over in my mind, seeming more dreamlike than real.

KohPhanganPalmKohPhanganBeach

I’ve particularly struggled with writing lately because I feel like so many other blogs out there focus on advice or various wise practicalities I’m too stubborn to try, because, well, being conventionally realistic and practical never got me anywhere. And if so, I can’t explain how.

I have no advice to give. If I wrote post after post about what my travels have really been like, methodically outlining my journey step-by-step, most people would cringe.

Honestly, I wouldn’t change anything (with the exception of some weird Couchsurfing experiences in Australia, but that’s a much different topic).

Hell, I’m living my freaking dream. I’ve never felt more alive. I don’t know if I’ve ever found myself more positively distracted by something in this way, and I only wish I could completely give into this feeling. There are far too many unknowns – the only thing I can do is choose to trust this won’t fade away.

What can I say?

It’s out of my hands now.

KohPhanganSunset